The decision came easy – once I decided to let go of my fear. What was I afraid of? Well, driving for one.
That’s right. I have a fear of driving. I’m a very capable driver, but I experience acute anxiety behind the wheel. I didn’t get my driver’s license until I was thirty years of age, and even then I only chose to drive when I had to. As you can imagine this has impacted my life in less than positive ways.
I’ve decided to face this fear head on, because I am tired of the grasp it has had on me. I remember a time, before I was even old enough to drive, thinking how much I would love to live and travel out of a van. I had watched a neighbor design a custom van and, in later years, my father doing so also. We moved often and I loved seeing new places and the sense of freedom and excitement that came with it. As an adult I continue to crave this feeling.
When I set out to thru-hike the Appalachian trail it was a compromise with myself. If I couldn’t bring myself to explore the country by car, then I would do it on foot! When that thru-hike attempt didn’t go as planned, I fell into the lowest of lows. I am reminded of a famous quote by Anais Nin:
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.― Anais Nin.
So here I am – blossoming. It is time, and I am opening myself up to the sun.
With my husband’s support we purchased that van I always wanted. It is a great motivation to have a dream laid out before me, knowing that it can be my reality. To realize this dream will be the greatest form of exposure therapy I can think of.
I am headed north next summer to travel the Appalachians. In the meantime I will be taking shorter trips here in Florida to get comfortable behind the wheel and accustomed to living in the van. My husband Kevin will accompany me on shorter trips at first, and then I will be solo. I am nervous but I am also excited knowing that this is just the beginning.
